Ai Lan's wedding @ Marina Mandarin Hotel

went to my cousin Ai Lan's wedding.. although i attended the ROM ceremony last year.. they are still so lovely and funny.. the wedding dinner was quite fun esp. the second part walking, the husband (Roy aka Yi Ming) walking in with a lady in red dress and masked.. but one look, can tell isn't my cousin.. the "couple' still dance with the music and those 'hot' dance.. haha.. then walk until the stage then realise my cousin is still outside.. there are 2 video/photo showing.. one of their childhood until now.. then the 2nd part was the wedding at malaysia. then the husband still give her a surprise with a walk-in singing of love song and a bouquet of flower.. can see their love.. feel so happy for them... 心裡有了感觸，也有感動⋯⋯

feel like having a drink and just get drunk..

everytime i see the profile, 心中就會有一種怪怪的感覺，一種我不知道該怎麼形容... i'm telling myself not to go see that profile, is time to really leave it as it is.. life still goes on when friends arent alot left.. busy with work if no activity after work will just go home n watch tv.. 9 months, i guess sooner or later i will get use to that that my that group of friends are no longer in contact with each other.. no much friends but i will live with it.. i guess something can no longer b as in the past anymore.. got to move on.. work is busy.. somehow there isnt a day where i can say i finished my work.. it isnt that simple n easy but i got to work for my own future n to earn money to live.. exam results out next week friday. fail this, i will quit school cause i nv like doing things twice esp that i think i put in effort already. something just cnt be force, i understand this point.. these few weeks without school, life seems better n not so stress n tough.. my lymph nodes aren't acting up.. only know during exam that week, more n painful ones appeared, was thinking of seeing doctor after taiwan trip.. maybe the holiday with sufficient sleep, no stress and maybe healthier food (since i'm on plain diet during half of the trip due to diarrhea n slip&fall), when i'm back in sg, lymph nodes are not there.. monitor closely my condition coz i know the seriousness.. but recently, i really feel like drinking. feel like have a drink n chill or whatever.. was thinking of giving myself n him a chance.. i decided to not contact you.. coz i know, with you ard, i can nv treat him fairly or nicely.. i will live in the past and be very temperamental to him.. i did think of asking you out for dinner whenever i drop by for my dental appt.. but i did afraid that my stand, mood n emotions might be affected if i see you.. i guess by minimum or no contact with you, i'm being fair to both ba.. i'm trying to live a life w/o you "affecting" me.. i cant expect anymore from you but i guess i am also trying not to expect too much from him.. i expect more from myself.. i also dont know how to take you out from my train of thoughts.. somehow, something will just lead me back to you.. even today a ice-cream dates with weiling and all, my conversation almost wanted to mention you but i paused.. i dont know how to continue.. i dont dare to mention you, i'm afraid of speaking abt you.. coz when i talk abt you, you will 'stay' in my mind for a very long time, which i know isn't that 'healthy' for me.. just like now, i cant get you off my mind.. i got to stop typing if not tmr when i wake up, i will be quite depressed and moody.. new day, new start.. be happy and think of other things =)

好想好好的拍拖⋯⋯ 好好的戀愛⋯⋯ 好想就像別人一樣，享受愛情，戀愛的感覺⋯⋯ 有時，多數時候，覺得我的生命變得好空虛，以往的生活，變得平淡，無趣⋯⋯ 覺得生命，不再那麼快樂。失去的比想像的多了好多好多。多到我無法不承認我已經不再那麼快樂。多到我已經接受事實，今時不同往日。我也不知道要再怎麼的去找回那個我。原來，我的生命是為了愛而活。星座說得好對，我是一個為了愛而活，我的世界一定要有愛。對我而言，愛情非常重要。沒有愛，我就好像沒有活著一樣。

today marked 2 years i'm in the company.. tmr is the start of the bond period.. bond end on 02 nov 2013.. today is an emo day.. i think i should be able to handle my emotions much better.. somethings are meant to be kept forever..

today, my hotmail and facebook account got hacked -_-" dont know why but just suay.. dont understand why people like to hack into other people accounts.. changed all the passwords..

back from a 10 days trip to taiwan.. flew on the 20th apr early morning and reach taipei abt 7am.. stay in taipei until 23 apr (mon) before take the high speed train to chiayi to go to alishan.. on that evening, i started to have diarrhea.. a serious one that i can feel cramp in my stomach and visiting the toilet almost every 2-3 hrs.. on 24th when we headed to taichung, i went to see doctor.. initially it did help a little but the diarrhea and stuff just came back in the night.. plain food for me, porridge, bread all these for almost 5 days until 27th.. headed to Cingjing farm on the 25th.. that evening, i slipped and fell on somewhere near my tailbone area which is super painful.. can sit properly, whenever sneeze, or sit or sleep, i will feel the pain so since 25th i didnt have a good sleep.. so on 26th when travel to hualien, went to see another doctor for the diarrhea and swollen area near tailbone.. this time diarrhea recovered but still can feel the cramp feeling at times.. doctor tapped near the tailbone area and tell me no sound of broken bone.. so gave me some medicine for the inflammation maybe.. back to taipei on 28th afternoon.. feeling slightly better except for the tailbone area so sitting, standing, walking and stuff can be painful at times.. left taipei on the 29th evening.. back in sg at abt 10.10pm.. so this taiwan trip i only in a healthier mode in taipei which i was quite luckily that i shopped quite alot during my first few days before falling sick and falling down..

this morning went to outram polyclinic to see doctor for the cramp feeling since the diarrhea issue.. also went for x-ray near the tailbone area.. doctor tell me tailbone not that critical. even if there is crack and stuff they wont do anything, will just let it heal itself -_-" anyway he gave me stronger painkillers as i told him i got problem with sitting and standing and even sleeping too.. so 2 weeks later go back to get the diagnosis report although doctor took a look at the xray n tell me everything seem okay but i have a crooked backbone n ask me if it was like this since young which i also dont know =x just hope 2 weeks later i wont feel the pain already then..



something are meant to be kept deep inside, which should never be brought out anyway..

我的不安，只有你不懂.... 尝试了，但没法接受。如果现在勉强接受，但将来的某一天，我还是会崩溃。对不起，如果形势没变化，我会离去。但你似乎无法懂得我的顾虑和不安.... 

Exam in 6hours time.. Flying to Taiwan (maybe flying alone) in 13 hrs.. Taking a 10 days leave from SG, work and studies.. Can't wait for this holiday.. Somehow, this year seem so tough for me.. At the age of 24, I think my life suck and the most torturing, most changes and also challenges for me to handle.. Too much pressure and stress that I think I couldn't handle that was why I collapse once but I just hope the next one don't come so soon.. I think my heart is weak., emotionally weak but able to overcome and not showing signs to anyone.. Sigh.. Sometime I really feel very helpless.. Looking ard me, I also don't know who to approach already.. Friends? Family? Nope.. I dont think so. Haiz..

did scoping today.. doctor say monitor it.. visit him in 4 months time.. CGH always have young n new doctor.. don't feel it too convincing but cant be help.. SGH specialist appt is 2 months later.. so in the end, CGH is chosen..

exam in 2 weeks and i'm stuck with 2 journal summaries and questions, practical report, peer review on another classmate article and revision to be done. i'm dead.. feeling that time isn't enough.. arghh...

bought a new deuter backpack ACT Lite 60+10L EL at Queensway for $300 =x was quoted $329 initially.. aft much discussion n talk, i still get that which i planned for backpacking trip =)

went polyclinic to see doctor for lymph nodes on my neck.. for the past 2 months it come on n off when it shouldnt b.. gotten specialist referral to do biopsy as it can b cancer related.. let's see how it goes..

cried. somehow couldn't control the emotions.. it just suck..

当你对一切都没感觉之后，你就知道你病了⋯⋯
don't feel hungry at all.. didn't eat any food.. only drank a yakult.. last meal was arnold fried chicken and ice cream chefs at east coast road.. last in take of food was 9+pm last night.. and now.. i still dont feel hungry AT ALL..

為甚麼不殺了我，為甚麼要讓我活得生不如死⋯⋯ what doesn't kill you make you stronger. what kind of rubbish is that.. it makes me feel deadly-alive or living-death..

this morning, i woke up.. in a depression mood.. i don't know why and how.. but i woke up, i just felt sucky.. what's wrong with me or my life.. i thought i don't feel that lost anymore.. or is it that i forced myself to accept the fact that just study and work.. i'm not in the mood of studying.. not at all.. i feel like giving up on every single things.. it felt life is so tough now.. i don't want to depend or rely on ppl.. i thought i could be so well off being like this.. i'm not as strong as i thought i am.. recently, i'm starting to bring personal emotions to work already.. i cant give the don't care, forever cheerful or smiley face and attitude.. trying to suppress myself, i want my working image to remain and with no personal emotions into it.. what's missing, why it doesn't feel right about my life now.. or is there something extra, maybe i shouldn't even be studying.. i don't know.. i really don't know.. kind of hate my life.. feel my life is so sucky esp. at this age of 25 yrs old when i should more or less working toward a life i want. and maybe have some accomplishments for the past 25 yrs.. i just feel useless and i wasted 25 yrs of living in this world..

i think i need counseling. if not sooner or later, i will lost myself. the balance i need to have in work n in life.. when i was more childish, i always think ending life ends misery.. or when i cant think of any other solution and i feel stuck and no other way to go, i always think that's the way to go.. what a mindset i have right..

i hit my limit and threshold already.. i cant handle anything anymore.. i feel very tired and want to collapse already.. i'm not as strong as i thought i could be anymore..

so feel like dying already.. i need a break.. from everything and everywhere.. i cant cope anymore.. so many work, assignments.. emotionally unstable at times but definitely not at work if not will be too unprofessional. why do i still feel that it is still that tough to carry on living my life now... something is missing, i cant seem to find that back anymore... frankly speaking, i don't really like my life now.. everything isn't going smoothly.. nothing as planned or nothing is planned.. i think somehow i feel happiness isn't around me.. or maybe, i lost a lot of source of happiness and fulfillment.. what can i do??

getting to lazy to blog recently.. or should say my workload got more.. more work in company and more assignment due 2nd week of april for school work.. actually i think i did hit my limit already.. too much for me to handle.. sometime i just feel i cant even really breathe at work.. so many things to do, review, write, and settle.. sigh.. i did think that i cant make it for a more supervisory role.. i still got sch assignments which i have yet to even start.. revision not done yet.. i just feel i will flung this sem.. and the best thing is there is only 1 paper this sem.. when there are 2 paper.. i dont know how to cope already.. my plan is this.. if i dont do well for this sem.. i wil just drop my studies already.. i'm not that discipline, competent and capable of handling work and studies..

sometime i just think, how could i let go of all those good stuff.. things and people that are so good n nice to me..

but then again, it is for me to grow and maybe to let me know what do i want in my life.. if i cant get any better, means that i have misssed that best one.. if i did able to find a better one then it is fate that is treating me well.. maybe shouldn't be thinking that much at this late hours.. just enjoy the process even maybe there isn't any future as maybe this could be the best way out for now..

i probably shouldn't be insisting that much when you can't see that far.. enjoy and have fun.. no commitment, no responsibility.