tHe uNspOkEn tHoUgHts, feelings and emotions...

2012-01-25T22:32:00.001+08:00

2012-01-25T15:33:00.004+08:00

back home from a 5 days of CNY at grandparent's place (Malaysia). set off at abt 2+pm on sat 21st Jan.. the traffic was super heavy, there were too many cars on the highway. reach home at abt 7pm.. usually the ride will take abt 3hr plus to go back..

somehow this is the worse chinese new year i have been through.. although there are alot more addition to the big big family and some relatives were back too. inside me, i just feeling nothing.. no new year mood, no reunion feeling, to be exact, i'm quite feeling-less these few days.. there are still relatives asking me how come i didnt bring my boyfriend back.. i could only answer "no la, never bring back".. this is so torturing.. i could only smile back.. i'm feeling quite tiring.. i want to feel emotionless.. somehow i think i'm good with hiding all my emotions from others.. but somehow, i feel it is getting tougher already. i am more and more speechless each day.. i am like controlling all my emotions in front of everyone.. i could only release them out at night, in my room.. somehow i wish i could just get depression and i could just live in my own world. all these emotions are killing me, i'm just feel like dying.. every morning i wake up, i just feel so restless and helpless.. i don't know what i'm to look forward.. i'm telling myself everyday, just carry on living, maybe one day, hopefully one day, the thing you wish for and you wanted will come true.. just live..

2012-01-20T00:58:00.003+08:00

my day: suddenly fell sick at work with running nose and felt of sore throat. ended work, the running nose was still so stubborn. went lesson, didn't feel better. after lesson went to see doctor at 9pm. then dinner at 9.30pm. fetch sister but went the wrong only, finally got home just before 11pm, realise wallet missing!! called and rushed down to get my wallet and reach home 12.10am.. i'm really sick.

what a day when u are already felt so miserable with the sore throat (doctor see and straight away say "喉嚨在發大炎".. then she gave me fever, flu, sore throat and cough.. MC for tmr.. my nose is so red now and i use tissue till i think the nose already 脫皮.. abrasion..

this is the first time i really lost my wallet and i only realise it aft an hour.. feeling sick and then realise wallet missing at 11pm. when i tot i could rest already. what a way to keep my awake.. and with this suddenly fall-in in office when in the morning i was alright only 9+ am.. this thing just hit on me.. damn..

passed him the gift -Solvil et Titus watch. like it quite alot

2012-01-16T23:38:00.002+08:00

have a uni gathering with the Raven CC gang.. is an AGM at Praleum Wine Bistro at 4 Duxton Hill. dinner was alright. drank 1 Stella Artois and 2.5 pine of Hoegaarden. think i'm just trying to get myself drank to feel less..

a deadline that i'm setting for myself and this will be a final deadline for everything.. 28-Jan-2012.. a date which suppose to be special and meaningful in another sense, but this time, it will be meaningful too. After 28-Jan-2012 23:59:59, i will start dreaming, wishing and whatsoever.. i will be awaken from every single things.. after that date and time, is a rational and wake-up time, to live my life without a man.. to live my life alone but for what purpose, i still don't know.. life now seem so meaningless and of no purpose. i wished to start afresh on that special date which once means that much to us for us. but after tonight, i'm slapped awake. this can never be possible. i cant even talk to you, i cant ever dare to establish eye contact with you. i feel like you are so near but there are just walls between us..

cutting off everything from every single one.. starting from 28-Jan-2012 23:59:59.. whoever wants to come into my isolated world, you got to crack that layers of walls to get in cause this time, i will not make any more effort to do anymore things extra for anyone.. and this time, without any turning back or mercy.. i must be tough to myself. this time, i will throw abt all the past, all the poly days, all the uni days, all the aussie days, all the sg days and also include all those GSK days.. every single one of it.

or probably starting from tmr, all contacts are all cut.. all contact point unless deem necessary by me. since 28th is so near already, less than 2 weeks, probably is the time to get use to all.. ignore all and reject all.. u can never be happy with me anymore so leaving you is a better and fairer option.. is tough and heart-aching but i think is a wiser choice that i could make for u.

重來 - 期待原來是一種傷害

2012-01-16T14:49:00.002+08:00

有多少愛能重來　多少人願意等待　失去之後才明白
走進回憶的安排　一幕一幕的對白　上演我們的未來
期待原來是一種傷害　深愛的人一離開　是我不敢忽略你給我的愛

現在我只想回到最初的時候　不願讓你再淚流
寂寞之後　只有你會陪著我
現在我只想回到最初的時候　我知道你還愛著我
親愛的你　請你握緊我的手請你看看我　請看需要你的我　一切從頭

有多少愛能重來　多少人願意等待　失去之後才明白
走進回憶的安排　一幕一幕的對白　上演我們的未來
期待原來是一種傷害　深愛的人一離開　是我不敢忽略你給我的愛

現在我只想回到最初的時候　不願讓你再淚流
寂寞之後　只有你會陪著我
現在我只想回到最初的時候　我知道你還愛著我
親愛的你　請你握緊我的手請你看看我　真的需要你的我　只要你回頭

現在我只想回到最初的時候　不願讓你再淚流
寂寞之後　只有你會陪著我
現在我只想回到最初的時候　我知道你還愛著我
親愛的你　請你握緊我的手請你看看我　真的需要你的我　只要你回頭

学不会

2012-01-16T14:34:00.000+08:00

我相信愛能證明一切夠真心會超越時間多付出也多了喜悅讓幸福蔓延
總是學不會再聰明一點記得自我保護必需時候講些善意謊言
總是學不會真愛也有現實面不是誰情願就能夠解決
一次爭吵一個心依賴結累積著改變呀內心疏遠足夠秒殺外表多濃烈
才發現愛不代表一切再真心也會被阻絕

總是學不會再聰明一點記得自我保護必要時候講些善意謊言
不是學不會只是覺得愛〜〜〜太美值得去沉醉流淚

總是學不會....

能不能不愛了愛情它太痛了我痛得快死了

2012-01-13T08:56:00.002+08:00

today is a black Friday (Friday the 13th).. well, i always like the number 13 since i'm born on the 13th. others feel is an unlucky number but i don't feel so. but just today, 13th January 2012 (Friday) since midnight, it seems like a mixture. is it a lucky day or an unlucky day.. the best way ever to start my day and waking up finding myself lost. i had a nightmare yesterday. i dreamt about myself getting into an accident. this isn't the first time i dreamt abt myself driving and involve in accident. i always dreamt that i'm driving and suddenly my eyes can't see anything in front. everything becomes black.. i can't go anywhere, i'm afraid if i continue to drive, i will knock into some things (cars or person or any infrastructures). i could only just stop, but also thinking that i will be knocked by some other cars..

i don't know will today be the worst day of my life for 2012, but this year, it didn't start off well at all.. after thoughts and discussion, things don't improve, it will be the same things again.. it doesn't feel good today at all. i could only fake my smile to others today as i always tell myself don't show my personal emotions in office.

in office now, just feeling lost. don't feel tired, don't feel hungry.. a good way to lose all those i gain in Dec, esp. from those Christmas and New Year gatherings with good food and buffets.. i have been skipping dinners recently.. probably by the time i want to eat is already past 9pm. i decided to not eat. well, hopefully just hope that i really did slim down rather than eat too much and have gastric from the binge eating and then not eating again.

i have an issue. which is torturing myself when i'm not feeling alright. i don't know this is to make myself feel better or to make myself understand the pain more.. sigh~~

能不能不愛了因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了愛情它太痛了
我不能夠
不能夠不愛了
吃不能吃睡不能睡

愛太痛

2012-01-12T23:33:00.003+08:00

吃不能吃睡不能睡
沒有了你全都不對
我都學不會把愛敷衍
用笑容來把眼淚催眠

笑不能笑哭不敢哭
人不像人鬼不像鬼
朋友都說這不過失戀
但我卻連呼吸都膽怯

能不能不愛了因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了愛情它太痛了
我痛得快死了卻無法把愛割捨

我不能睡~

吃不能吃睡不能睡
沒有了你全都不對
我都學不會把愛敷衍
用笑容來把眼淚催眠

能不能不愛了因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了愛情它太痛了

我不能夠
不能夠不愛了

能不能不愛了因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了愛情它太痛了
我不能夠
不能夠不愛了
吃不能吃睡不能睡

2012-01-12T22:51:00.002+08:00

please blog something abt my life this week.
School officially started on Tues. 2 modules, on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
this week lessons ended early as is just an introduction for the week. but soon, i wil be loaded with assignments and stuff.

wed went for dental appt. this time, the dentist suggested to me to try to cut my gum higher as my smile are so gummy. so she say tried it first see if i like anot, before my teeth are done, she will do it again for me at no extra charges. got a very long needle for the injection (she inject at 4 locations) which is so so painful that i cant hold my tears. then she use this device which will give a burning smell. and really, my teeth look much bigger now. but the 4 spot injections just made me kind of scared to cut the gum after my whole process of braces is done.. damn.. why am i that weak.

抱歉, 原諒我沒有說

2012-01-11T16:17:00.004+08:00

李聖傑 - 抱歉

李聖傑 - 原諒我沒有說

2012-01-11T00:40:00.001+08:00

looking back on those photo and saw the video of the surprise birthday celebration.. tears just rolled down.. i really missed those days.. somehow i know i couldn't find that back anymore..

it took me a couple of months to realise and think through that that is the man i want to live with.. those happy, crazy, random and rubbish things that we are doing or talking, i just want to live that.. i missed that point of our life that crossed. i missed the blissful life that i have.. i cant bring anything back anymore. maybe my friend is right. even if you accept me, the scars are still there.. is too deep that we both will not be happy as we are living in the scars..

i really want to take you out for my life but i don't know how to.. i dont even know should i even drop by to watch you play bball matches.. i dont even know should i even go for those gatherings.. i feel like going but i'm afriad.. like a friend who know from aussie tell me, be a grown-up in it.. not that i didnt want. but you just mean that much to me.. i thought you were still here, i thought i still have you. but little did i notice that our distance are getting further apart.

i do miss you.. i still love you.. but i know i can't and i shouldn't be anymore.. it hurts. it still hurts even after so long.. i made your heart harden but i do wish i could make you come back but i know i shouldnt be. you want to rest, you need time for your own and the main thing is this is too huge a setback that we both couldn't get over with it. it is like a scar to us, that haunted us.. i understand that even if i want to patch back, is too late. things have change, feelings faded, situation is different from the past. i guess we could only move on as we wont be happy together anymore as the scar is always there. i also disappoint your family which i also dont know how to face them.

i could only let go now. there is nothing i can do or say anymore. after all these, we both changed, we couldnt be like the past happy-go-lucky kind. we will not be tightly bonded anymore. sorry that i hurt you.. i hurt myself too.. is a well-deserved to me as it could only be a lesson learnt.

goodbye. i love you but this is a love that is late. a realised-love and a late think-through in the mind. i never see us back together anymore. those memories. that days and times.. will be kept in the dark corners which i am not going to dig them out. it is sweet then but it feel sweet and bitter now. i cant be crying to sleep everyday. i cant be dazing my day off at work or at school. i cant be driving and thinking and tearing.. although this time how i wish i could tell you that "i finally think through and i found out what i want already. is you that i want. i could never be happy as i'm with you. life without you seems so aimless. although what we did in the past was so routine and maybe plain but it feels so much comfortable. with you around, everything seems just so right. i want to live with you forever." but... ..... it was never meant to be spoken..

i'm sorry and i regret on my previous decision and admit that i'm wrong for running away. is a late apology.. i could never bring you happiness anymore already. i'm leaving.. how i wish i could be as silly as years ago.. but i know i got to be grown-up. i can't force things to happen. you will be happier without me, at least is from now on.. since i can't be the one that give you happiness anymore, i will let others be the right one for you. it just didn't meant to be. i wish i could be forceful and try means and ways to get you back but this time i respect your decision. your decision of not wanting to be any r/s for the time being and to have more time for yourself and not wanting to think, plan for the other party, not having to care about anyone else. i will not force anything on this as i got to handle this an adult way. 分了就算了，不要再強求...

《那些年，我們一起追的女孩》

2012-01-10T21:52:00.003+08:00

分手，只需要一個人同意，但 ’在一起‘，可是需要兩個人同時的認可才能作數。－－《那些年，我們一起追的女孩》

time to wake up...

2012-01-10T01:14:00.000+08:00

time to wake up totally and stop thinking that you will be back with him..

time to stop dreaming already.. you lost it you paid for it you deserved it.

he will be out of your life totally if not, you will never move on. dont you cry anymore. dont you ever think of or miss him anymore. you got to move on.. you wont see him anymore as path of life are not crossing anymore. you wont see him anymore as you decided to live in a world without any sign or news of him, you are not joining any gatherings anymore. you will not be seeing him at all.

you got to stay strong and live for yourself this time. don't try to please anyone (even though is contradicting)..

you will be fine alone in the world of your own. at least you will not be troubled by this issue anymore. at least you tried but is didnt mean to be. although is the worst way to start a new year with those bad experiences, emotions and feelings. and to feel it all over again. but this time, you should be heart-dead (死心) and get over it..

wake up if not sleep forever and dont wake..

2012-01-09T23:59:00.004+08:00

this time, i'm getting you out of my life totally. i'm very very sad. but i know is non-comparable to yours, but mine is still as much though....

i guess the almost 5 months of break-up is too long to ask for any intention of trying-out or patching back.

why do i still cry.. i hate crying.. i just hate myself.. every single part about me..

i just hate myself.. i want to remove you from my life.. if not i can't really move on.. i'm just stuck in the 'relationship' of us.. living in the 'relationship' which didnt exist anymore. it hurts and finally i made the decision but it just too late.

you always say i'm selfish, i think so much for myself only and neglect my partner.. but do you think likewise for me.. i tried so hard to please everyone.. i try to be a good girlfriend. i tamed down with less emotions or losing tempers. i care and ask and never raise my voices.. i do all these were because that what a girlfriend should be.. shouldn't be a unreasonable or violent girlfriend, should be a girlfriend that you will be proud of and your friends and family will like.. silly me still thought of maybe 28-Jan-2012 we can get back together and start afresh on that date that means so much to us.. but i drop that thought forever. is my loss to lose a good guy and maybe i just dont have that life for all these. or maybe we are just not meant to be.. still thinking i finally know what i wanted that why i made the decision but it just too late or wrong timing.

just let me be like this now.. i don't know what to do anymore. my heart just felt like it was being crushed real hard and it is so painful till now i dont feel anything anymore..

2012-01-08T16:04:00.002+08:00

went for a facial @ $38 NETT at MENTSU at Tampines 1.. is a member promotion rate.. nice.. only did facial once last time to try at less than $60.. since got a SMS to mention abt this so i decide to go for it as it nice CNY and i always got so many blackheads as i dont wash my face often or should say i wash rarely with facial wash. normally is just clear water only.

starting sch on Tuesday.. hopefully it will keep me occupy and make me think less of those not 'so important' issue. also dont know if is call important anot but it just bothers me for weeks and months le.. not that i have yet to come to a conclusion and decision but it is so tough going to execute it. there are always attempts to stop me to executing it and make it dragging it on. i know i just need to be 狠心.. wanting to please everyone or most people but i'm not very happy.

sigh~~ should i just stay single for life and not be involve in any relationship since i cant seem to be able to handle them properly. i guess i'm just not suit to be in a relationship. not a good lover, not a caring and understanding girlfriend. damn... how long can this go on.. i'm going crazy soon.. can someone just save me from this.. who can i talk to or rather, who do i even feel comfortable talking about all these..

2012-01-03T20:49:00.003+08:00

tmr will be the orientation day for my master course. will have briefing given, speech from dean and professors i guess.. from 5pm to 8pm..

can someone just give me a solution, and a reasonable and un-debatable solution so i will just follow.

first entry for 2012

2012-01-01T05:27:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year.. is 2012.. a new year a new start and it will be a great year i wish.. thanks everyone which brings me happiness, sadness, guilt, anger, laughters, joys etc. you all have make me how wonderful life can be with different emotions. i will bring more colours to my year in 2012 and hopefully, somethings great will happen for the year.

2011-12-31T16:46:00.002+08:00

has some chat with another friend regarding r/s.. a lot of enlightenment although some were already told to me.. is just whether i want to take it and follow the approach anot.. sigh.. is difficult to type most of the content out but at the end of day i know i'm the one making the decision.

whether a not to give the other person a chance and just focus on a r/s with him and forget abt the past one.
whether a not i should get back together to the one that i know is the best for now..

in any case, i got to forget and let go of one of them. i cant have 2 as i never think of that too.. just that in any case, letting go of anyone is tough as situation doesn't allow.. one will always be in my mind and heart. the other one will always be around me too.. how..? i know is tough but i must make up my mind on one and that is it.. sometime i did even wonder, am i that good that a gal like me still got the chance of having 2 guys like and to be stuck in this situation. sigh.. is never a good thing since i'm a sentimental person.

2011-12-31T14:06:00.004+08:00

today is the last day of 2011.. a lot to think so, a lot to reflect on, a lot to decide on.. i've lost more than what i gained. probably taken more than gave. a new life in 2012 which i've yet to get use to the changes. where should i head to today or i should be rotting at home doing spring cleaning so i just feel like going, to whichever, wherever.......

i have so much to do but i just don't know what to do.. i have so much to say but i don't know what to be say and what to be kept. i should be moving forward now rather than always taking a step back.

a sudden thought that i will be studying and working gave me a frightening feeling.. i'm afraid of not being able to cope.. i will be tired from the extra effort to be putting in for work since i can't do OT that often (i wish there is NO overtime). i need to be disciple and put in effort for my studies too.. i'm afriad i cant cope and there will be 2 outcome: i will try to put in more effort, if not, i will give up totally as i can't take the pressure and the stress. i will let go before i break down. what a loser am i right.. before it start i'm like backing out. before any serious issue or problems pop out i'm so afraid of this and that and instead of thinking of positive solution, i'm backing off, hide or run away from it.

this love issue of mine can't seem to be lifted off my mind.. why.. why am i be that emotional? why can't i live without love? why can't i live without a relationship.. why am i always be stuck in a solution which is directly/indirectly caused by me? why am i so afraid? why is it that you know that suit you the most, that gave you the best and happiest time, that just work out perfectly but.. but you left that? although there are many many times that i really feel like turning back, but i know i had made my choice (that hurts many including myself), whenever i thought of this, i told myself to live with what i have now.. i guess i have to stop this conflicting feelings and thoughts soon.. this will not bring me anyway and will only make me remain in the same spot.. maybe i should just give chance to the other him and carry on with my life and not thinking so much.

do i really worry too much? think too much? always worry and think about future issues and problems and ended up giving myself more problems before that problems even surface..

2011-12-27T21:54:00.004+08:00

today is a moody day. the day started alright with me having Uncle Toby's muesli bar as breakfast in office.. then a lot of work popped out but got to take all even though i didn't absorb whatever was told to me. felt hungry at 10 plus then just a sudden thought, i wasn't hungry anymore for the whole day. i skipped lunch as somehow i didn't have appetite suddenly, so i did some work during then. the instrument i was in charge of has some issue and is the one and only instrument in office, no backup. so got to make it work and stuff. didn't work out still. left the calibration cycle to run when i left office on time today.

alan and denis jio-ed me for teabreak as they both know i didn't have lunch. i still didn't have appetite but went to cafeteria to meet them. have a bowl of green bean soup and a curry puff.. felt tired.. probably the extra workload added on to the tiredness from yesterday USS walk and fun...

my mind can't seem to be stopping.. i thought with yesterday post and thing will be done and slowly faded away.. but somehow now it kept my mind thinking and thinking.. "LEE YEN WEI, can you stop thinking!! nothing can be change already. WAKE UP and GO ON..!!!" so feel like slapping myself.. with this going on, i will have illness and depression soon. i have this problem of wanting to vomit if i thought about important stuff and if i will regret or very anxious abt it. i did have those wanting to vomit feeling when i waited for my O level result. i did have the wanting to vomit feeling when i thought abt the failing reason for my past past relationship. i will move on and i have to.. is the 27th already. i gave myself the deadline of 31-DEC-2011 to sort out everything and not drag anything. close whatever chapters that have to be closed as it cant link to anywhere else already. 4 days for all decisions, all thoughts, most of them to be settle, closed and that will be it. the end of everything and end of year 2011.. really 捨不得 but is for the better for all of us. i will be leaving and be living in my own world..

time to go on diet.. emo-ness make me slim down =x

a thought of my past relationship (the one n only post to end my year)

2011-12-27T01:16:00.003+08:00

i will write this post maybe for just this last time. cause it has been bothering me and is inside me for the past 4 months but i dare not voice it out anywhere. maybe this should be the time whereby i just type and say everything out once and for all and maybe from then on, it will really remain as a past.

this is maybe the first formal post regarding the breakup with my ex-boyfriend, Mr Sean Chong Yongsheng. Maybe just let me write in more details for everything as this will most likely be the last time. alright.. it has been 4 months since the breakup which was initiated by me, yes it's me. i guess at the point of breakup was for the thought that it will be better for both as i wish to be fair to him. yes, we did got a BTO (Tampines GreenLeaf Block 522A Tampines Central 7 #16-05 Singapore 521522), a very prime and nice location. but even since the BTO was confirmed, my heart and mind were just in unease. maybe i can't handle the stress and uncertainties in my life, i just don't know what I want in my life. let me be frank. from Day 1 to the last day of our relationship (28-Jan-2009 to 25-Aug-2011), I'm true with all my feelings.. i love you much more than i expected. you made an impact in my life much more than we both thought. yes, you are the guy that company me through the thick and thin of life. you accompany me through my sad and hardest day in life, studies and always ensure me and provide me with suggestions and excepting every single little things about me. you are the man in my life that i always want to impress you, to surprise you with little gifts and "scrams" and every little things to make your life good and even better. i love those days we spent together, not only in Australia, but also in Singapore, Krabi, Taiwan and stuff. i like the feeling of being under your care. i feel so safe in your arms and you will protect me even if the sky falls. i just feel that with you around, there is nothing to be afraid or worried about. i know how important i was to you and how important you were to me, but i let you down. i let both our families and friends down. i might be letting myself down when i look at this in the future.

to say of letting go totally or moving on with my life, i will say "i have not yet succeeded".. whenever i see/hear those familiar places, common friends of ours, topics of our past, everything seems so sensitive and emotional. sometime i do can hold my emotions well and speaks (thinking that i've put it down) but sometime, it seems to be over my limit to be talking about all these peacefully. somehow, you still make me cry. yes, i know people will ask "why cry over spilt milk", especially you are the one who insist of flipping that plate of milk. i know, but somehow, it still makes an impact in my life. although everything about us has ended, it's over between us, but somehow I'm still so afraid of losing you, losing you totally (although more or less i've lost you totally). i do think of what happened if we were still together. sometime i do have the urge of getting back together with you but i know i shouldn't be as it is absolutely unfair to you. i hurt the man who love me the most and i love the most.

sometime when thinking back, i don't know what was in my mind that day when asking for a breakup. i wanted to have a cool down, i wanted to break away temporary as there is too much pressure and stress that i could handle. when at that point of time, i'm breaking, mentally. instead of facing the problems, i hide and run from them. perhaps i'm still not mature enough to handle all these, that is why i don't deserve such a good relationship and a good man. yes, i do regret as times, i do have the urge of getting back but i know, we can never be like the past anymore. our relationship has a deep deep scar. a scar that is caused by me and that i'm still recovering from. wherever i go, there is somehow pictures of us in the past. i spent a Christmas without you this year. it felt so different, is emotional too. but i know i got to get over with this totally and move on. i asked for it, even if there might be slight regret or doubts, i will move on with it. i don't deserve all these good stuff and i'm sorry and i really mean it. i'm really really really sorry about all these. somehow i wish i was mature enough to handle all these at that point of time. somehow i wish i could tell you all these before things got worse. somehow i do wish i wasn't that affect by my thoughts and emotions that i think i should be fair to you, so i left you.

as the year is coming to an year and i think i got to start my life afresh with the addition of studies to my life, i think i have to close this chapter in my life totally (although i really feel 捨不得. they are my happy times, beautiful memories that i wish to keep forever with me and not wanting to remove any part of it. but i realise by doing that, i couldn't let go totally, i couldn't move on totally. at this stage now, there is no more turning back, i will step forward and walk the path. it will be tough, it will feel extremely different and probably very difficult, but i got to do it and walk out of the past and probably removed you from my heart and mind..

sorry that i still can't meet any of our common group of friends. somehow i still cant, i'm not mentally prepare to handle all these, is very tough and i dont wish to breakdown in front of you or others.. any talk about BTO, marriage, everything will just make me emotional. wait till i have move on totally, when i'm not affected by it anymore, maybe that's when i can handle all those. yes, i don't communicate or ask people out for gathering. i will just stay home or work.. yes, i did lose something in my life. i cant find the motivation or target when work end. in the past, when work ends, i do look forward to meet you or in the weekends for us to meet even though we do nothing but just have each other by the side. somehow, you were the motivation and something that i look forward to each day. at least when i wake up every morning, i don't feel aimless.. but now, work and probably studies (in the future), will be my aim..

i know you always ask me about how's my private life, esp. with that guy. i could only answer you "we are still alright".. i guess no matter what i do, i am still unfair to both.. i cant be together with you and taking him totally out of me (maybe only possible after months), i cant be together with him and not think about you. i do talk to him about you. i guess by speaking out frankly to him that i still haven't let go totally and i think i still haven't move on totally. i didn't restrict myself for telling him how great you were, how well we were in the past.. but after everything, the sentence will be "that's the past already, things can't be the same anymore"...

you meant a lot to me but i let go of my hands. you made me cry, you made me happy, you make me feel so fortunate but i guess you never felt the same way of that to me anymore. sorry that i hurt you. sorry that i left you without a good reason (a insisted reason of wanting to find out what i want in my life).. although i always say and i will still say "我不知道你是不是我想要的，但你一定不是我不想要的"..

we already reach this stage with no turning back, so we got to move on (like what you always say). i will wish you all the best in everything you do or you want. you deserve someone much much better, esp. someone who will appreciate you, who will communicate and care for you.. we know the person can never be me anymore. we got to move on and probably if you will find one, i will be sad definitely. cause you were the man that i have spent so much time and effort on (you also put in a lot of effort on our r/s), i will be sad but i will be glad for you too at least, you find someone to secure your future with, who deserve you much more than me..

i will move on, totally. with the new year 2012, i will start to forget all the little single details about you. i will still keep part of it as memories and i don't wish to remove all.. my plan for the coming years and for the future is about work, studies and maybe future relationship. although i might still face the same issue with finding what i want in life and maybe still the same problem with my future relationships, i hope some days, i will find what i want in my life or maybe i will be single in the years to come. it hurts but i got to live with it for now as i choose this path.

this has been the longest post after so so long.. i love you and i miss you (this will be the last time i will say this as i will be moving on).. really thank you for every single little things, efforts and thoughts you have for me. i'm sorry for every single little things that i did to make you angry, disappoint and hurt you. This will be a "bye" post then a "see you again" post and i got to bury you deep deep down and maybe will dig you out in the future when i've move on or when i realise i can't live without you totally. life with you were much better but now i'm searching for a even better life that is without you as we cant never be like the past anymore..

i will welcome 2012 happily and will not bring out this topic anymore until i'm able to be smiling and chatting about this..

as for that "him" for now, you got to accept me for what i'm now. i'm still letting go of the past and moving on. if this issue bothers you, it can't be help as i'm not the type whereby i can say forget and just forget. i'm not the type that will just turn around and fall in love with another person and forget about the love that i once gone through so much hardship with. it took me probably one full year to forget the past past relationship so i can't be that fast to forget this relationship that impact me the whole of my life with so many tough times and hardship that were been through. it makes a scar in my life and memories that will stay forever.

i'm penning down all these thoughts and feeling inside me as i think i can't handle them anymore by trying to hide them or restrict myself from thinking or regrets but now, aft all these writing, it feels much better. i guess maybe this will be able to help me in letting go more as i don't feel that there is something that i didnt say out and stuff.. i'm moving, it might be slow, but i will still move and search for my goals.. all i could say to you now is a BIG BIG THANK YOU.. you made my life so great and make me learn and understand so many things for the past 2yrs7months. it is a loss of mine to lose you but i will want to bring to whoever will be my boyfriend/husband in the future, a Yenwei who is confident, and know what she wants for her life and make the bf/husband life better and not leave him anymore... who will love you whole-heartedly and commit her whole life to you..

although i still wish maybe some days, months or years down the road, we could still be together but i guess i won't let this thought be in me anymore if not i couldn't let go totally. i'm saying "bye" to the man that once love me so so much and a man that i fell so so in love with. goodbye to you.. it hurts but i hope for the better for you.. take care miiiee miiee, goodbye miiee miiee..

匿名的好友 - 杨丞琳

2011-12-25T04:16:00.005+08:00

2011-12-25T03:21:00.003+08:00

it hurts when u realise people just deleted them away and is only after some time then you notice that..

怎麼還是會心痛，怎麼還是哭了...

不要再讓過去牽絆著你了

2011-12-24T20:35:00.002+08:00

a problem about me. i'm very stubborn and will insist with the stuff i'm insisting even though i know it might be wrong. i know i might have made the wrong choice and but i don't allow myself to regret or to think about it anymore as it doesn't make any difference. instead of thinking of "what if", i guess i should make myself happier. what happened have happened. make do with what i have now and be happy.. i shall be happy from today onwards and stop being negative. no regrets no what-if. i can be happy if i want. i will be contented with whatever i have. be happy k.. jiayou.. don't let yourself down.

2011-12-24T17:34:00.005+08:00

i hate this christmas. i hate this festive season. i hate myself. i think i have already lost myself. i cant talk or speak out. i'm trapped within myself. i'm so negative. every morning i wake up i just felt so negative but i didnt show it out so it is even worse. i cant release my true emotions. why do i just feel like crying for this happy season..

i just feel like taking a long long break and just getaway and don't return to this seem familiar but feel unfamiliar place.. maybe i'm just waiting for my limit. waiting for that break-point. let's see if i could not breakdown and re-adjust my limit or to make myself positive again..

why do i feel so negative? is it really 1 negative thought will lead to many many more.. i feel so negative but i have to be positive in front of others.. this kind of contradicting emotions are making me feel worse. morning and night, only those i cant seem to tell or say emotions and thinking are shown in the room.. day time, work i got to be positive as is unprofessional to bring personal emotions to work and i know these few month is crucial for my future. even if i know and feel that i cant handle the amount of workload, i just bite my teeth and just get it down even if i feel very tired and will break soon..

2011-12-22T00:36:00.002+08:00

i guess the problem lies on me.. i can't get anyone to understand me since i can't understand myself too.. Esp. of the situation now in term of work/training scheme, studies and life.. maybe i should really just leave and live in my own world.

i'm under a contract with bond.. it isn't a small amount to handle or is just a short period.. is in term of 2 years of training and 1 to 1.5 years of bond.. is 3.5 years. this is my first "job" too.. it can be a stepping stone or it just be a stone that tripped for in the future.. i am going to study, i need a stable income.. i need a job too..

the feeling just suck when others sarcastically say that you love your job when that wasn't the true reason why i always need to OT or to bring home work.. this is life, working life.. i cant tell my boss i want to go home on time or to not do any work after office hours or during weekends, i can't.. if given a choice, who want to work more than the expected.. we work different industries, bosses are different and stuff and the main thing is i'm tied up with that stupid training/bond contract.. which is lots of money involved.. at this point of time, is i break the contract i need to pay at least $50,000. how do i let other understand sometime i got to do things but not what i want but i cant help but to just do it.

2011-12-21T00:39:00.004+08:00

i blocked my calendar for that day but i still don't know if i'm going.. it feels as though i can't fit myself into the group chat although all have left that chat group. i really don't know what to do..

i... sigh~~

i already don't know..

why is it when people feel so happy with the festive season coming while i feel so emotional unstable with this festive season.. it felt as though this wasn't any happy festival..

all i want now is to cry out loud and hard.. all i want know is to think, know, do say whatever.. all i want now is to solve, settle and move on for a better future.. all i need now is a super long, tight and comfy hug but that can't be possible.. all i need to do for now on is to work, study and live happily.. but why, i could feel the shouldn't be feeling. but why i feel so insecure. but why i feel so uncertain. and i have yet to find the goal of my life even as 2011 is coming to an end.. why is it that i feel that my life is wasted. why is it that i feel i shouldn't be living in this world.. and why i just think that i'm a nuisance and burden.. why i think i'm of no value-add.. why i feel all these and of nothing good.. and why i look so optimistic in front of many many but when night comes and i'm alone in my room, i feel so pessimistic. and i still don't know which is the real me.. i have been in split personality for many years till i got mixed up which is which.. when i laugh and smile, most of the time is from the bottom of my heart, but sometime, it was to make others life better..

i told myself that i cant be a negative emotion influence, i must be of a positive influence. happiness, laughter, craziness should be those that come from me, although i think i brought a lot to other, but it must be consistent.. which this carrying on of happy during day time, at work, aft work, going out but emotion during night, i guess i will see a new friend call Depression..

心裡有了更多莫名其妙的感觸⋯⋯

2011-12-20T22:35:00.004+08:00

felt the awkwardness and uneasiness. I already don't know which is the real me.. If I don't speak, others will feel that I wasn't being me, but who know which is the real me..

today a poly friend told me: Actually in a relationship, as long as the couple have the same mindset and thinking that the relationship could work out and work towards it, it is possible. as long as the thinking and goals are aligned, they are all workable and reachable".. 在聽到這些話時，心裡有莫名其妙的感觸⋯⋯ the friend also add on with this "you must learn to accept the stuff about him/her rather than to tolerate, if not, the relationship can't work".. then added on with "is a give and take, one will change and stuff, but must be working toward the same goal".. 心裡有了更多莫名其妙的感觸⋯⋯

i still felt at most times that i'm not suitable to be in a relationship. or should i be changing my this thinking?

i think i have lost some friends but i guess i also lost myself...

there are many things that i feel like knowing, doing and wanting.. but i know i cannot ask, say, know or do..

2011-12-20T01:54:00.002+08:00

i always have this problem.. even since that incident.
somehow it caused some changes in me which are good and bad.. but somehow the bad change seems to be clinging on me and have never left. is it really a once bitten twice shy issue.

why when the year come to an end but i'm feeling so emo..

2011-12-18T15:56:00.002+08:00

i made the choices so i don't regret. but why am i always doubting other's choices and always telling others that they can always made other choices. they will be given multiple choices and chances. but in the end, i'm actually doubting myself i guess..

2011-12-18T11:31:00.001+08:00

what's in my mind...

2011-12-14T01:21:00.001+08:00

今天的我，有點心事從從⋯⋯
不想多說，因為还沒想到該怎麼办好。
原來事情並沒有想像中的那樣。
失算了⋯⋯

2011-12-12T23:54:00.003+08:00

a sad truth, but is feel so real.. i'm feeling so out-of-place in most of the group chats.. even those group outings, i just can't seem to feel i'm part of it anymore.. that's why i didn't reply in some group chats after sometime because i felt something is missing.. i choose to leave..

Deuter backpack

2011-12-11T04:16:00.004+08:00

i got a new backpack =)
a red Deuter 22L AC Lite backpack =) actual price is $159, but after discount is $119 ^_^ i like the colour, i think it really looks nice.. isn't those very huge kind of backpack, this one i can use it on daily basis too..

ohhh.. the colour of this backpack is called fire-cranberry =) haha.. cranberry ^_^

2011-12-07T21:13:00.002+08:00

i am going to be a student soon =) heez.. still kind of looking forward as this is the first time i'm enroll into local university =p haha.. went to NIE student hub for verification of documents. hope that i never lost touch to studies yet, hope that i could cope.. i guess ppl always ask, who you go study with, and my answer will be "i'm going alone".. i guess i'm a loner kind.. i do things at my own pace.. but it will also be bad coz without friends who study with you, you will lack the motivation. and also dont know who to ask if you have study issues.. see how things go ba..

2011-12-07T20:32:00.001+08:00

whether or not is i'm sensitive, but you just kind of pissed me off.. i hate people who are so 現實.. why is it that human grow up to be scheming and make use of people. when is not longer of value, the attitude toward the person will change 180 degree, an extreme.

GSK Family Day

2011-12-03T23:55:00.000+08:00

it is GSK family day event today at Tanjong beach. not too bad.. i was entertained as some colleagues bought volleyball and to set up the net and court to play =) is nice.. then there is sketching done.. i also won the 62 prize for lucky draw (for your info, almost everyone got prize since it start from the 200th prize). i got $150 robinson voucher.. =) so now i have a total of $300 robinson voucher.. time to do shopping.. for x'mas, for CNY.. time to start looking for Chinese New Year clothes before get nag.

in the goodies bag there is jacket, beach map, umbrella, towel and etc.. i yet to take a look at what is inside there.. then there is Gong Cha (i drink 4 milk teas), then got Old Chang Kee (i didnt eat any).. haha.. i was too busy playing vball and was so tired till i dont feel hungry and have no appetite, esp when i see the pack food =x haha.. bubble tea is enough to keep my day going.. haha.. i'm much much darker now.. CNY confirm will be ask by relatives again that i'm still playing sports, still playing netball?

hmmm.. have fun today ^_^ although it ran at abt 2.30pm.. but it all end well...

2011-11-30T23:19:00.001+08:00

感覺好遙遠哦~~~

2011-11-21T00:36:00.001+08:00

speechless when you felt helpless..

20.11.2011

2011-11-20T23:01:00.001+08:00

today has a special date..
20-11-2011..
guess this date, a lot of people are getting marry as it is like
20.11.2011.. repetitive..

2011-11-19T15:15:00.000+08:00

time to rest after a night of happenings.. D&D, photo taking, taking care of casualties and on standby mode and sending casualties home.. time to meet my boyfriend.. night~

-= 戀愛最美好的是曖昧的時候 =-

2011-11-17T01:31:00.000+08:00

又回到最初的起点记忆中你青涩的脸
我们终于来到了这一天
桌垫下的老照片无数回忆连结
今天男孩要赴女孩最后的约

又回到最初的起点呆呆地站在镜子前
笨拙系上红色领带的结
将头发梳成大人模样穿上一身帅气西装
等会儿见你一定比想像美

好想再回到那些年的时光
回到教室座位前后故意讨你温柔的骂
黑板上排列组合你舍得解开吗
谁与谁坐他又爱著她

那些年错过的大雨那些年错过的爱情
好想拥抱你拥抱错过的勇气
曾经想征服全世界到最后回首才发现
这世界滴滴点点全部都是你

那些年错过的大雨那些年错过的爱情
好想告诉你告诉你我没有忘记
那天晚上满天星星平行时空下的约定
再一次相遇我会紧紧抱著你
紧紧抱著你

-= 戀愛最美好的是曖昧的時候 =-

大笨蛋..!!
如果那時聽了答案，可能就不會错过爱情了⋯⋯

i love this part which i think is very meaningful:
曾经想征服全世界到最后回首才发现
这世界滴滴点点全部都是你
is more or less this meaning :
used to think of conquering the world, and at the end then realise, this world (bits and pieces) is all about you..

guess sometime we are always trying to work towards our goals and think that is what we want at the end of the day. but when we look back, then we realise, there is something else which is important as well, but we lost it..

You are the apple of my eyes 你永遠都是我眼裡的蘋果... guess in real life, this kind of things happen too. both might like each other but due to some misunderstanding or miscommunication, never end up being together. but again, there is also a saying : 得不到的才是最珍惜的.. life, is so unpredictable.. maybe today you can be that close with one another, but tomorrow, you 2 will be like a stranger. a friend posted this on FB: Stranger-friend-lover-stranger. Vicious cycle indeed.
so true right.. i think i'm going this cycle too..

is late already.. should be sleeping since i'm not feeling well. although i have a MC but i think i will still got to go work =( sigh~~

btw, i accepted my Master course. a reason to keep myself busy and anti-social for sometime (like 2.5 years or so) heez =x

back to square one..

2011-11-16T00:36:00.003+08:00

i got a very big shock yesterday.. i guess this is the first time ever that i reacted in such a way =x i guess i was so unprepared for it that it really took me quite some time to get back to my normal self..

limitless period start..

2011-11-10T00:43:00.002+08:00

went back msia over the long weekend to celebrate the 60th wedding anniversary of my grandparent. is a buffet style dinner with tents, karaoke, tables and chairs set outside my grandparent house. this is the 1st time after so long, that i didn't bring you along for special occasion and celebration. nobody asked me directly but relatives asked my mother.. is kind of weird and not use to it that you weren't around.. is weird right, is my family but somehow you weren't ard make me feel kind of out of place.. one of my cousin's child ask me where is my boyfriend.. oh well, i could only say, don't have to the small kids. they do remember you.. it does flash back memories of us at my grandparent's place.. but.. is already the past.. we all move on.. for a better future i guess..

i can't say i have somebody with me cause that person is not.. maybe is either one of us is the wrong person or is the wrong time. things are working (or maybe not).. but no matter what, i will keep a friend than to lose one unless that person is not worth keeping as friend..

time to think about my master course offer. got to enrol next week, cant delay my decision making anymore =( sigh~~ i also don't know who should i really consult although i talk to most.. but i guess is just that i need some justification to make myself do it willingly and full-heartedly and without anymore doubts.. with the course commencing Jan 2012, i will be busy with work and studies.. these 2 should be able to keep me busy for at least 2.5 years.. so i could not think anything about relationship since i also dont have the time to commit and maybe the wrong person and maybe is wrong time. is a sign.. taking up the course, i could take a long long break from relationship, but is this what i want? i also don't know, but i guess maybe at this stage, i'm just taking whatever comes along the way, but is term of works and studies, not anyone/man and just get together.. yup.. maybe till i find someone who is understanding, accept me for who i am, able to take my nonsense =x can help me with my decision making and maybe a great helper to me in life, able to motivate me in work and studies.. and likewise, that person will make me want to treat him well and stuff.. but i guess, this will not happen in real life.. is all a dream..

2011-10-31T01:35:00.001+08:00

迷失了方向⋯⋯
怎麼覺得人生如此的模糊呢？
目標，終點，究竟在哪呢？
尋找著那道光芒，希望能向色彩繽紛的世界邁進⋯⋯

我，到底想得到甚麼？
我，到底想怎麼生活？
我，怎麼还在徘徊著？
我，到底在為甚麼而活著？
我，怎麼就學不會做決定呢？
我，怎麼了？

為甚麼我總是為了別人的要求而努力？
為甚麼我就沒有為自己而活？
為甚麼我就讓自己那麼的不快樂？
為甚麼要委屈自己？
為甚麼要讓別人來遷就我？
為甚麼要讓別人影響我？
為甚麼我的世界就不能只有我自己？
為甚麼會有這麼多的為甚麼？
為甚麼我連我自己真正想要甚麼，我都不知道？
為甚麼我會如此的失敗？

我，並不勇敢。我會害怕受傷，我會害怕後悔。我害怕一個人，也害怕兩個人。我是個敏感，不自信，好勝，好強，不體貼，不溫柔，醋罈子的人⋯⋯ 害怕被別人看見我的弱點，所以可以裝得如此的強悍。因為不想讓別人看見我哭，我可以裝得如此的開朗。因為不想讓別人看見我的眼淚，只有到了晚上或在雨里，我才敢把偽裝的一面暫時放下來。我，已經忘了哪個才是真正的我。我已經迷失了自我⋯⋯

2011-10-30T20:17:00.001+08:00

time to do some works that were supposed to be done by last week =x
to do list: finish up those on-hand works, think about the study issues, read through the korean preparation course material (the basic).. life isn't easy or busy.. but didn't feel the contentment.. sigh~~

2011-10-29T00:25:00.003+08:00

got the offer letter from NIE regarding the Master course i applied a few months ago.. Master of Science (Life Sciences) - Chemistry.. sigh~ now i'm accepted.. do i accept the offer..? how..? i need some light.. if i go on, i want to do it full heartedly and not half hearted..

another stage, another life.. accepting the offer will definitely change my life a lot.. no more holiday as and when.. no more slacking.. sigh~~ am i ready yet..?

2011-10-25T02:31:00.000+08:00

don't underestimate yourself but don't overestimate yourself too.
i overestimated my tolerance level which i thought i wouldn't breakdown that easily.. but somehow, the limit is near. back to the collapse point, exactly 2 months ago.. i'm trying to live strong to work my life out for others to see, to others' expectation. but by doing this everyday for others, i'm losing myself on the way.. sometime i feel i'm much happier now but sometime i think i'm psycho-ing myself as i couldn't tell what has become better.. am i really happy now but i'm just living a day as a day.. i couldn't find the source of my energy and motivation at all.. not now... i lost a pillar in my life while trying to find my goal in life.. but somehow now, i'm feeling so lost.. i feel like giving up.. on every single thing.. i want to fall somewhere.. but i'm afraid that it will hurt.. but why am i out of my comfort zone since i'm afraid.. this is so contradicting.. where i can fall now.. who can i fall on now.. who to catch me when i fall.. where do i land when i fall.. i want to be independence and i dont like the feeling of relying on others or dependent on anyone, i need to be strong and independence.. someday, i will be fine..

blogging at this hour whereby i am yet to be sleeping =x becoming older and looking much much older soon especially with that little hours of sleep..

2011-10-23T14:46:00.000+08:00

people cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long..

alright, that's it for everything.. every single thing and every single one.. i'm tired.. i can't take this anymore.. i just feel like dying now.. i just hate how emotional i can get.. some things that matter to you but not to others.. so, don't be bother to share any of those thoughts cause to others.. this means nothing at all.. is your own wishful thinking.. wake up from this damn bloody fact.. you hurt everyone and everyone didn't hurt you.. is you hurt yourself.. why will people still be bother with you.. yea, damn right.. i'm the one that can't communicate and so blame nobody except myself.. so what if people misunderstand my intention, there isn't any need to explain any further.. the more you say, people will just think that you are doing it to make yourself feel better. the situation won't change, beyond salvage. since it is so clear cut, why make addition effort only at this point of time.. ya... whatever it is.. i'm always doing wrong things at the wrong time.. or maybe to be exact, i never ever do a right thing at all.. it makes me wonder, why do i exist in this world..

my heart ache.. it hurts.. i always feel the pain and contraction at my heart.. i read news about something known as "heart broken illness", which will lead to heart failure.. but why, i'm yet to die..? i felt the symptoms and i could hardly breathe whenever i thought of those stuff.. i hate to cry.. but i'm doing it now.. i'm tired already.. this time, i know and can feel it already.. this will be it.. the last time i will ever feel ache and pain, cause i think my heart died.. i didnt want to do anything more and anything else.. just let me live a day as a day.. it might be easier and better in long term.. i'm withdrawing myself from everyone..

this time i will say.. everything is over.. whichever thing it is.. is just over and done with.. even if there is unclear doubts and stuff, even if there are question marks to all these.. it is over.. i'm tired.. mentally tired..

The girl

2011-10-23T13:00:00.000+08:00

The girl who seemed unbreakable, broke.
The girl who always laughed, cried.
The girl that never stopped trying, finally gave up.
She dropped her fake smile as a tear rolled down her cheek, and she whispered to herself, ' I can't do this anymore. '

Quotes

2011-10-23T12:29:00.002+08:00

~~ when you really matter to someone, that person will always make time for you. No excuses, no lies, and no broken promises.

~~ It's sweet when people remember every little detail about you, not because you keep reminding them but because they pay attention

~~ sometimes we put up walls. Not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down.

~~ some people are meant to fall in love with each other... but not meant to be together.

~~ Here's a sweet truth: Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realise why it never worked out with anyone else.
Here's the bitter catch: When you kept on waiting but nobody came, it means that you've already left that one pass you by.

2011-10-23T12:20:00.002+08:00

think for a night.. it is the silliest thing to wait or be there for someone who doesn't know how to appreciate you.. for someone who doesn't really seem to care that much about you. just leave and walk away. this is the wiser thing to do.. actually from a few little things and actions, we can all see and tell how much one means and worth for another.. if that somebody isn't that right one, just move on.. because no matter how long you wait, things won't change, people just tend to take whatever you do for-granted.. i'm almost that the process of leaving everyone.. all will just be friends and will be nothing more than friends.. yes, that mindset for every single one.. this time, i shall and will try to make any form of contact to minimum. no msn, no sms, no whatsapp.. i will slowly fade away from everyone life, anyway i think that won't make much impact to most people as they might not realise it anyway. i'm building up my walls.. this time will be a higher one, will be more than a single layer.. i'm heading toward my world - although a lonely one but without any unpleasant, without relying on anyone, without anyone..

2011-10-23T01:15:00.003+08:00

i shall go queensway for some shopping tmr.. maybe will just be window shopping.. let's see what i can get from there.. looking for a new beach volleyball.. it has been long since i go shopping and on my own.. i will be fine =) i know i will...

back to those time, independent.. bought a Groupon voucher for 4 x 2 hours (weekly) lesson @ $29 only. got that and will start a basic korean lesson this thurs at bugis.. never tell much people.. guess i'm getting back to my old self soon le.. do thing alone and never ask or tell anyone until things are confirm.. i guess i am meant to be a loner since i'm able to do things alone and dont discuss stuff with ppl.. is my hidden character within me?? ohh well, i attended short courses alone and stuff, so i believe this time i will be fine too.. although maybe will feel something is missing from my life..

2011-10-22T21:57:00.001+08:00

suppose to meet xian xi 1pm at wheelock but i woke up slightly late so ask if we could meet at 1.30pm.. so we changed location to bugis.. but xian xi was quite late as the bus he took was catch in jam. i before i met him, i have some bites as breakfast and lunch.. even got time to get KOI.. then even went a while shopping =x gotten 2 tee from b2b (back 2 basic).. just simple tee with simple words or picture.. the tee only got XS, S or M size.. just happen that both the design i like don't have size M.. so i tried S.. i'm able to fit in =) but then, the salegirl realise the other design only left with XS, so i tried.. i'm able to fit in ^_^ i was like so happy.. first time ever in Singapore i bought a XS tee in female cutting.. but this also means that i got to maintain like this or even get slimmer to be able to fit into those tee.. =)

met xianxi at about 2.30 i think.. we sat at MOS burger.. but don't know why we didn't start with the policies and insurances first but got a little catch up session.. i think was quite a long chat regarding me and ys.. he met with ys a couple weeks ago.. talked about the past r/s.. we talked for almost 2-3 hours on that issue.. a lot of things were mentioned in the conversation, alot of question marks and questions that don't have answers and stuff.. XX mentioned that i should find a time to talk to ys.. to sit down and talk things out.. talk about things that we have yet to speak out to each other.. to end everything peacefully rather than a bad breakup.. do you have things you want to talk that you yet to tell me? i think you do hate me, angry with me.. although you say you didn't.. but others around you could feel so.. so i guess we do have things that we have yet to speak up... don't put any open questions or questions that we have in minds or things that we want to say but yet to tell each other.. there might be some misunderstanding.. humans are strange.. we need to hear and see rather than always think that others know and understand even though we didnt speak it out.. i'm not too sure if you have cool down.. but i heard you are very rational and tell others that "this is it".. say it firmly.. is a good thing.. but it is what you feel or is what you force yourself to think this way.. we met a couple of time but we never talk on this breakup topic.. xx mentioned that if we breakup properly.. there shouldnt be an awkwardness when we meet.. this means, it isn't a good and clean breakup.. is it..? i'm not sure too.. but i guess we do have misunderstandng and stuff.. but i think some might think that "is it that important? since u guys already broke off".. hmm.. i'm not sure too.. this is a sensitive topic.. some things to me is important but not to others.. i also don't know.. this is the 1st time after almost 2 months that i talk on this topic and on it for so long.. not everything abt that r/s, it was also about myself and what i feel and stuff.. communication, that the important part and maybe is the reason why my relationship always doesn't work out well.. i can't communicate, as always......

alright, my head very quite painful now.. somehow the left and right corner of my forehead is painful.. then the bump by yesterday paintball at the right side since is a head shot (is super painful).. and the back of my head near the neck and my right ear.. the direct shot by my team mate during the first game.. is pain.. press a little can feel the pain =x then can't cross my right leg over left since my left thigh got 1 blue-black and is swollen =x hmm..

Pain(t)-ball-ed x_x

2011-10-22T01:39:00.002+08:00

went for paintball with colleagues.. is fun.. is pain too.. got a no. of bruises (head, neck and knee).. this make me recalled paintball in australia. seem so fun.. those were the no worry days..

2011-10-21T00:15:00.000+08:00

emo emo jiu hao...

i hate myself for being emotional.. i hate my mood swing.. although this was never shown in front of others.. but when i'm alone.. i know that's how i feel.. i guess i'm not tht good yet to be able to handle all those even when i'm alone.. i need to up my level.. but now.. i just don't feel happy at all.. and got the bu shuang, bu gao xin feeling.. anyway.. is not important.. is just me for being too sensitive.. too emotional.. too demanding.. too unreasonable.. and many many more.. alright.. time to bring all these to sleep.. absorb all those =x

2011-10-20T21:40:00.003+08:00

i'm just that stubborn, demanding and unreasonable.. that's me.. if you think i changed, that's because you have yet to know that real me. that's all...

some things and some people i just don't like.. maybe to others is just a minor issue but to me, i'm just affected by it. to me, that's important.. i rather not want at all.. some people are just that fake and acting cute or what so ever.. but i just don't like people that have extreme different attitude towards different people.. i'm biased.. but i just dislike some people.. and if you hang ard with them.. i will dislike you too.. don't ask me why.. i just don't like.. yes.. that is my problem.. never was yours..

2011-10-20T00:21:00.004+08:00

went for company bowling event today.. something not very happy happened.. but is over.. so i shall not say anymore.. got 110, 85 and 128 for the 3 games.. i think 128 is the best score i have so far ba.. could be better.. got more strike but then those without strike i only hit 3-5 pins only.. so pull the score down.. tired already.. shall sleep now..

sat will be meeting xian xi regarding my insurance policies renewal and stuff at orchard.. maybe aft that can head to queensway to get a volleyball.. if not then is sunday ba.. see my mood then.. thats the only plan for weekend.. if not, is sleep =) shall make that my interest and hobbies as frequent as possible..

emo~~~

am I that special and important to you or am I not? or maybe is just that little but not too much.. well, i'm trying, trying to make myself pull away.. sometime, i just make myself thinking through this and be happy.. but sometime, i can be very happy with how things are right now.. maybe.. i guesss maybe.. is time for me to be harsh to myself.. to forget about this.. i mean forget about this whole thing for now.. which might also mean, i will totally shut this window and walk away.. i believe i can do it.. maybe is tough, but.. better than anything else.. i will not want to treat anyone else good anymore.. i want to be a very selfish person and only think for myself, for my own benefits and not care about anyone else or anything else.. can I..? why am i always so concern about what others say.. what others might think.. why am i always living for others.. living to others' expectation.. living to make others happy or to make their life better.. but why.. why i don't see myself in all these..? i'm always searching for my goals and targets in life while others are already working towards their targets and goals.. people have plan for future.. but for me.. i see no light..

now, i have this thought: "others know what are their goals, targets and plan for their life.. while me, my goal is to find the goals and targets in my life.." isn't this funny..? no goals, no targets, no aims, no plan.. so what am I living for..? i guess i'm living to search for that, maybe till i'm old and die, i still yet to find them..

i'm starting to have the feeling of missing somebody.. isn't a good feeling, i do like and dislike this feeling cause it feels as though i'm dependent on that somebody which I shouldn't be, cause thing shouldn't be like this.. ohh well, i will be very rational and tell myself of "missing someone is stupid and crazy, don't be silly. wake up please".. yes, i'm that pessimistic.. i don't like the feeling of being at the losing end.. i don't like the feeling of being at disadvantage.. i don't like the feeling that others will think that they will affect me and take advantage of that.. i don't like to suffer.. so, to make myself to going through all these "don't like", i will make myself not to face this situation ANYMORE..!! i will leave and go.. i will.. i will be harsh and hostile.. i will.. i will disappear and never return cause, it was never a place meant for me.. i don't belong in there.. at the appropriate timing, all of the above will happen when i really feel so.. and this time, when the decision is made, i will not regret or return.. cause the feeling of dangling here and there and not heading anywhere, i rather let go and walk alone..

i kind of miss the feeling that there was once this someone who want me very very much.. yes, i guess that should be a mutual feeling.. the person want you that much as to go all way out.. ideal situation is it works both way.. but in most situation, this is only a 'one-way traffic'... if you can't find that feeling of wanting someone that much, let that person go and let yourself go.. don't hold on to something which you know can't work.. treat yourself and that person good, letting go is probably better than holding on.. that's the reason why i have that courage to let go of that someone who want me and treat me that well, but, i couldn't find that much much feeling back to him.. so i guess, if things can't work, let go to let each other find their happiness.. i'm telling myself this so i won't be that stubborn holding on to things that i know might not work.. although sometime i do want to fight for it, but sometime i'm just afraid it's just a 1-sided thinking.. there's a saying : "fight for your wants and needs".. but.. it is like a tough and lonely fight.. and sometime, i just choose not to fight and just walk away from that.. yes, that's me.. not that confident in most stuff.. live in my own world of denial.. denial of those good stuff that people tell me..

2011-10-18T22:04:00.000+08:00

有說不出的話，有說不出的感覺⋯⋯

2011-10-17T23:32:00.001+08:00

i'm going to plan for a holiday trip.. yes.. a trip maybe just over the weekends and maybe take monday or so to make it a 3 or 4 days trip.. or i will plan for a january holiday trip.. this time, i will plan my own trip, i used to be the one planning and i'm tired of being the planner so i let others plan it.. but this time, i will plan one.. this time, is just for myself since i don't have anyone to ask to doing the planning. i can plan a 3 to 4 days beach holiday or short getaways at somewhere near. i just need a holiday ba.. feel like going away and probably not return (in this case, is unlikely possible).. 1 person holiday.. i haben think or did it before, maybe i should try.. but how am i suppose to tell others i'm going somewhere alone, i guess most will go against the idea of traveling alone especially you are FEMALE.. that's what others always say.. i always have that 衝動 to just get some offer deal and sign up and is paid, so i can just go.. since is paid, they can't say anything more even if i'm alone.. sometime i wish i'm a guy, things might be easier..

now, is holiday to where? Thailand is flooding (sigh~~, yet to go Bangkok and maybe to Phuket since is beach).. is monsoon season (haizz....), beach holiday like is not recommended, is it? or i still can go? or maybe i can just go some island like Tioman or Aur or Lagkawi or Redang.. i just want a holiday, why is it that difficult just give me beach, sands, sun, blue/green water (not any of Singapore kind).. hmm.. or maybe Bintan? but i can't speak Malay =x or should i plan a longer one, mean is next year start so i won't clash with my colleagues who need to clear their leaves..? maybe to Japan or Korean (i have yet to any).. maybe i just go to Hokkaido or Jeju.. all seems so nice from the tv.. or i go backpack =x to china, tibet? nepal? if not, is Shanghai?

sigh.. why when i'm single, i can't travel alone.. i'm getting use to being single.. i'm handling and coping it quite alright i guess.. and maybe soon, i will be too use to being single which can be a good thing =) so nobody will suffer (guess u all should know what i mean by that).. whatever it is, being happy is enough.. don't think too far, just enjoy present no matter if you are single or attach or have a fling or in a 曖昧 situation or whatever.. just enjoy that present moment and don't think about future.. read this somewhere: don't think about the past as it is over, don't think of the future as it is not here yet, so enjoy the present. so i guess whenever i think of the past or the future that i can't see, i will get emotional and become very quiet as i'm thinking, maybe to other is too much, but we cant simply live life without thinking of future.. sometime i could be that happy because i enjoying myself to the fullest since that's the only moment that make me smile.. anyway.. i shall plan my holiday to somewhere and only inform after everything is confirmed =x so my plan will carry on.. let's see.. i shall treat myself good and have a retreat for myself soon in the next few months.. i shall just take out maybe $500 to $1000 to travel.. or just to nua somewhere but not in SG definitely..!!!

some random thoughts for the day: close friend

2011-10-17T22:38:00.001+08:00

some random thoughts for the day: close friend

some thoughts, some questions and some feelings i have from the past and the present.. everyone should at least have a close friend while some have a few while others have a couple more.. within this group of close friends that we all have, they might be of the same sex and some are opposite sex.. i'm a person who get along better with guys (i'm just more tomboyish =) heez), so i made more guy friends as compare to gal friends (except that i got a couple of closer gal friends).

your close friend should treat you as his/her close friend too or maybe more than that. only the individual know himself/herself more. things always start as friends and sometime is the feeling and common interests and topic that make 2 become closer friends. i believe guy and gal can be close friend and nothing more than that (yes, i mean there is friendship and not the love relationship in this case). but sometime, at a certain point of time, one might fall for his/her close friend and maybe in a best case scenario is they both fall for each other at the right time. that's scenario 1..

scenario 2: one fall for his/her close friend but never confess and keep that special feeling within himself/herself as he/she is afraid to lose this relationship (love & friendship). so, the close friend might not know of the other person feeling. In this case, feeling were kept as secret unless was share.

scenario 3: one confessed to the close friend and the close friend is unsure too (in this case, the close friend is single). 3 outcome from this scenario - close friend rejected and still remain as close friend. - close friend rejected and no longer close friend. - close friend was unsure and both let things be, but things are just special within them cause it not only friendship but there love in this case too.

scenario 4: one never confessed but show signs of more than close friend. but this close friend is attached. things between them from outsider could see and sense that they are just more than close friends but both never admit or mention anything.

sometime i do wonder. within this close friend, do you ever once fall for him/her? maybe is in the past and nobody knows about it and it keep this past or feeling (mean all along you do like him/her) as a dark secret. sometime we tend to treat those that we do like/love/have that more than friend feeling maybe in the past or present, we tend to treat them much nicer and special from other close friends that we have. but it just that we yet to realise that. only the outsider could notice the difference in the attitude or attention we have on this close friend as compare to other close friends. but in every case, the close friend are of the opposite sex. we are really treating them difference without ourselves realising or we refuse to accept what others say.

in any case, we answer to nobody as we ourselves should know the answer more than anyone else... is it a hidden feeling that we chose not to disclose to anyone... and i do know of case whereby 2 close friends do like each other but they know things might not work out so both are attached to their own partner. but there is this special kind of feeling they have for each other..

alright.. enough of thoughts, questions and wonder.. some questions have no answer while some questions will have more than one answer.. as for me, i only live in my world of rejection and denial especially in the not so good sense.. but well, i don't do that so openly. i'm still the outgoing and cheerful at most time..

2011-10-17T00:55:00.001+08:00

有些事，有些感覺是無法用言語來表達或是形容⋯⋯ 那麼該怎麼办呢？是表達能力不好嗎？怎麼覺得多數都有這種無奈感？有時候好希望不需要多說或是多解釋，有些人就能知道腦裡的想法或是心裡的感覺⋯⋯ 怎麼就是如此的複雜呢？

或許⋯⋯⋯⋯

2011-10-14T22:57:00.002+08:00

read the book "The Rules of Love".. some of the contents feel so real and so true.. now it makes me wonder.. maybe what i did even though not most people will support. but i think i'm better now.. i shall let go of a guy that i didn't love as much as he love me and i should let him go and let the person who is meant for him to love him fully as he is.. maybe now is a tough time for me to be on my own but i have already made it through for almost 1 month plus.. i should be able to live on my own, relationship shouldn't make anyone dependence on each other, instead independence should be part of it. we are there for the person not because we re dependence of them, we might not need them, but is because WE WANT TO BE THERE for them.. NOT because WE NEED THEM..

already i read them but is really how i really do it, this is the tough part. another thing is about trust.. is my own issue, maybe the past contribute to that, but without trust, there won't be any relationship.. i hope people to trust me but it kind of difficult for me to trust someone fully.. i'm always doubtful, i guess not to anyone but to myself.. i'm lack of self confident esp in relationship cause i just don't feel that i'm special or what.. i'm only confident in things that i know i can.. i can be pessimistic but can be optimistic too, but is it the real me, i'm not sure too.. and 1 more thing is "YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU".. yes, that's life and that is super true.. sometime you just don't love the one who love you, no matter how much you try.. you do like them, maybe a little love them but not that love's love kind.. so, i shall not even try or think of trying to make anyone love me cause it should be from them, if they don't love me, i cant force that, i will only let go =)

and don't make the same mistake in relationship. if this kind of guy didn't suit you in the past, it can't work out in the past. most likely, a similiar kind of guy that appears won't work out too.. so don't fall for the same kind..

yes.. so i guess.. i shall be lonely for the rest of my life =x haha..

2011-10-13T23:10:00.001+08:00

didn't OT today but bring work home =( sigh~~
somehow i wish i can be those kind that do work only during working hours like from 8am-5pm.. aft that i can don't need care whether are the work done anot since with those limited hours, that are the most i can do.. but some how in this society or maybe is in Singapore, or maybe is in my company only.. they expect you to do work A, then half way through tell you work B is important.. then will give you work C and D.. then is like with the limited time, they can't be done unless you work OT.. that's the reason why i don't really like singapore =x

2011-10-12T23:35:00.003+08:00

MC yesterday and today OT until 9.45pm.. sigh.. am i that inefficient or i'm overloaded..?

been feeling hungry these few days.. is it because i'm sick and what.. somehow just felt hungry easily than normal.. feel like having good food. buffet, bbq.. or whatsoever.. just feel like treating myself well occasionally..

2011-10-11T20:06:00.001+08:00

你的時間有限，所以不要為別人而活。不要被教條所限，不要活在別人的觀念裡。不要讓別人的意見左右內心的聲音。最重要的是，勇敢地去追隨自己的心靈和直覺，只有自己的心靈和直覺才知道你自己的真實想法，其他一切都是次要。

2011-10-11T18:38:00.003+08:00

on MC today.. just woke up from a nap.. today is more of sleeping and sleeping.. so tired.. i guess must be the medicine.. being reading this book "Eat Pray Love".. some of the feeling and thoughts feel so similar.. still got long way to go for this book..

2011-10-11T01:57:00.002+08:00

the smoking part just made me want to walk away and leave fast. never bid any farewell coz i'm just kind of pissed esp. that i don't understand what so good is about smoking..

to others, is this really that important but to me is YES..!! very very important. given a choice, i won't want a smoker, and never will want any one to get into that bad habit and will wish that people will quit smoking..

ohh well, who am i to hope for all these.. but to me, i just prefer a non-smoker and non-smoking area. smoke makes me fall sick and i really mean fall sick serious like flu, fever and stuff...

2011-10-08T21:00:00.000+08:00

ate flu medicine.. feeling kind of sleepy now.. going to head for bed early tonight.. tried to do some work but not very productive esp. after having the medicine.. alright.. shall sleep early tonight and wake up not too early tmr. got to go find gift as ROM present for Peck Hong and his wife-to-be.. still not sure what to get yet.. shall go source for it at vivo tmr.. probably look for my beach volleyball too =) heez..

night everyone..

2011-10-08T14:47:00.002+08:00

just woke up =) so shiok.. it has been long since i slept for so long... slept before 11pm yesterday.. feeling tired after taking the flu medicine.. super hungry now but like got nth much for me to eat at home =( unless i cook pasta.. coz at home only got curry chicken, spicy korean instant noodle and maggie curry flavour.. so tempted to just eat one of them..

2011-10-07T19:00:00.002+08:00

and i really fall sick.. exactly like about half year ago.. the flu, sore throat, sudden coldness and heaty-ness.. slept early yesterday le, this morning wake up, felt my throat is like swollen kind. drank lot of water before i slept yesterday but seem like it didn't stop anything.. hopefully a rest today and tmr i will be fine..

2011-10-06T22:05:00.002+08:00

brought work home today but now i'm too tired to do any.. feeling very tired and got the going to fall sick feeling (feeling a little sore throat).. hopefully tmr wake up i will be alright already.. night everyone...

went to tighten my bottom braces.. now they are quite painful.. alright.. sleep..

2011-10-03T01:30:00.000+08:00

in the end, i hurt everyone.. including some of my friends..

sigh~~

2011-10-02T22:17:00.003+08:00

i really don't know what to blog about le.. there are a lot of mixed feeling in me.. don't know how to express them in words anymore.. don't know how to share or speak out.. guess it is better to keep all in me now.. don't want to let anyone know anything already.. somehow, just got the feeling of not being able to speak out.. something is stuck there, but i'm also unsure of what is it.. but kind of making me feel not comfortable.. guess for the time being, i won't speak of anything yet as i really don't know what is really bothering me. oh well, i think i'm good for now.. feeling alright although something is bothering me but i'm feeling okay, really feel okay =)

i am already lost in my own world but not knowing which is the real me.. have a lot of different masks in front of different person until i think i myself already lost, which is the real me.. will not make life difficult for anyone, making sure that nobody is affected by me and everyone is living happily and well.. that's for now..

2011-10-01T16:08:00.002+08:00

i have a weird dream yesterday.. i only remember this part of the dream.. it was raining and i run under the rain.. using the rain to cover my tears.. why.. why was i crying.. i can't remember.. i guess.. i really prefer raining days and be in the rain.. maybe it will make me awake.. show the emotions that i have been hiding without myself knowing too, felt so real in the dream...

2011-10-01T01:54:00.001+08:00

無語

2011-09-28T00:06:00.008+08:00

哭了⋯⋯ 眼淚不聽話的流了下來⋯⋯
怎麼會哭了？不是答應過自己不會再哭了嗎。
撐得好辛苦，要裝得若無其事，不要影響到其他人。
我好累，感覺好疲憊。

就让我易默易默就好……

2011-09-27T21:00:00.000+08:00

我想出国，远离这里，到一个岛屿…… 只有蓝天，白云，沙滩和清澈的海水，让我能忘记所有的一切。我到底该如何是好？我想我病了，病得我已不再是我了。可我，还是能以笑脸来应付每天的到来。我好像累了，超越了我的极限。

我好想哭。不知道为什么而哭，但就觉得我好像快要撑不住了。每天以笑容面对每个人，但对着镜子的我，怎么会觉得镜子里的我好可悲。有时候，我在想 “那个才是真正的我”？是那个以假面具对待所有人的我吗？还是那个每天嘻嘻哈哈的我？还是那个隐藏着一切的我，装得很坚强的我？我自己都不晓得哪个才是真正的我。

我，好像已经失去自我了。每天就让自己满绿于工作，早上班，迟下班，加班，就这样过着每一天。周末，就睡得很晚，起来就一天吃一餐。唯一让我很高兴的是，我瘦了。在这半年，我瘦了 6 公斤，也因为去年我重了 5 公斤。这两个月以来，我就瘦了 2-3 公斤，感觉不错。大家都说我瘦了，可我也不知为何我的胃口变小了，到有时有点不健康 =X

我，我少了人生的目标。在寻找我活着的意义，定义是什么…… 为何，我仍然感到迷失，找不到方向…… 现在的我，就麻醉在工作里（还在公司里）。对于工作，我也不知道我要些什么，很可悲吧。

好吧，就让我易默易默就好……

2011-09-26T22:54:00.002+08:00

i shall have an early rest today and head to office early tmr to get some work done.. even though i brought my laptop back home today, somehow, i'm not in the mood to do any work though is urgent.. shall be disciple and be in office by 7am tmr to get work done.. gambatte..

kind of tired.. ended work at about 7pm today. drop meiping off at boon keng before i head to sengkang to get my new pair of netball shoes from peishi. bought the asics netball shoes at $130. think the retail price is about $189. so kind of save a bit.. but i kind of stopped netball already and also don't why i still get a pair of netball shoes. anyway, is a good court shoes. can go gym, run or play court games (like tennis). but now i'm just too lazy to do any exercise.

i'm tired le.. going to sleep and wake up at about 5.45am so that i could be in office about 6.55am tmr.

2011-09-26T21:18:00.001+08:00

the problem lies on me...
i'm the problem..

2011-09-26T01:07:00.002+08:00

had a super long sms chat.. guess this was the longest sms chat that we had since so long.. checked out on me.. spoke some stuff and shared some thoughts.. i'm alright k.. need not worry about me.. i'm not that silly that will do any foolish things like the past.. not that i don't trust you or not wanting to share with you. just that i'm afraid.. i'm selfish. i know if i still keep close contact with you, i will make things difficult for us. i know you are still there for me.. still care for me.. i know when i need someone, u will be here just for me.. but i don't want that.. not because i don't trust you or feel uncomfortable.. but i'm just stubborn.. i want to and wish that being alone, i can make it through.. i know if i meet you.. i won't talk much though maybe i got lots of stuff to tell you, coz you know me more than others.. thank you.. i really appreciate that.. i don't know if i will still meet you.. i don't know if i can handle situation well.. i'm an emotional person at times but at times, i can be very rational and logical..

30 days of minimum or no contact start today.. it might seem kind of long as it is likes a month.. but maybe is too short to think about a lot of stuff.. let's see how things go from here.. anything can happen in this 1 month.. maybe after 1 month, one can be so clear of what is want and what is need.. one might realise that things aren't that important as thought/seen. one might realise which is more important and which is not.. one might move on with life..

oh well, i should not think so much.. work is getting tougher for me.. need plenty of rest and work is taking up too much of my personal time. i need a work life balance. but.. what's life for me..? hmm...
anyway.. goin to be october le.. is time for me to think about my studies plan.. will know the result of application on oct/nov.. i need to think if i am really going to take it or not.. i'm unsure.. sometime i just hope i got a crystall ball or someone to ask for an answer.. although i will ask questions on why should i do this and shouldn't do that.. coz i want to be convince and then do it full-heartedly.. so, what should i do..? should i continue to study if my application is successful, or should i not study yet as i'm unsure of what i want to do in my life..

2011-09-21T22:23:00.004+08:00

felt lost.. don't know if i'm heading towards the correct direction when i don't even know where to head to..

one friend mentions to me: Is okay to feel like this now, but after 2 or 3 months, you should be moving forwards. You shouldn't be feel like this after that, you got to do something with your life.

well, back to the same old question: WHAT DO YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE?
well, back to the same old answer: I don't know, i really have no idea at all.
well, i guess i really have not grow up, have I?

at this age, why am i still feeling this way..
be rational.. be logical.. please..

這世界好假，就連我自己也是假的

2011-09-19T01:17:00.004+08:00

不要來打擾，我想我自己可以過得很好⋯⋯ 原來，我失去的，也包括友情。不要再說了，我誰也不需要，這世界好假，就連我自己也是假的。我不需要朋友，不需要情人，我自己一樣可以過得很好⋯⋯ 誰都不要來煩我，我要活在我自己的世界里。不要告訴我，你們都在，感覺是一種笑話，我就是那個笑話。我也太天真了。全部離我遠遠的，我誰都不想應酬⋯⋯ 越遠越好⋯⋯

how nice is it to see that picture of people that u are close to.. or maybe i should say.. used to be closed to having celebration without you.. well.. i just i just got to face it.. i don't need anyone now.. not a single friend.. i can just be myself.. i no need anyone.. not any family (i cant choose that, so be it), any friends, any lover or what so ever.. but weird it feel like.. ya.. maybe i'm the one in wrong.. or to the whole world.. i'm the wrong one.. so be it.. leave me alone like you all have already did.. don't come back and find me.. i no need anyone.. NOT A SINGLE ONE OF YOU..!! not anyone.. just leave me alone.. i know i not in the place to be angry since the whole world say i'm at wrong.. i have not right to be angry, to be pissed or what so ever coz to the WHOLE WORLD i'm the wrong one cause i choose to not follow a normal path that everyone say is the best and safer and right.. forget it.. why bother with all these right since i already come to this stage..

fine.. i know what to do.. don't come and Facebook me or sms me.. i'm not going to reply to any.. not to any single one.. just simply leave me alone k.. i'm the fake one.. but somehow, i find this world is so fake too..

ya to the whole world.. i'm the one at fault.. i'm the one at wrong.. i'm suffering or what so ever is i deserved it.. whatever, i don't give a DAMN..!! all just go away.. just get out of my life.. i need no one.. not a single one of you.. just just.. just all get lost.. i just want my one person life/world.. i don't hate anyone, except myself.. well, at this stage, i hate no one, not even myself.. i can live my life, being alone.. no need anyone.. enjoy yourself as i think life without me, everyone feels better..

i understand why you all do that and never ask me or what.. i know because situation will be awkward, have to think of both clique and stuff.. but do you guys think that you tell me the reason, i will not be understanding.. i will say "i'm fine with that, you guys carry on".. but somehow.. i felt i'm the forgotten neglected one.. which i know i should be.. is alright.. i know why u all decided on this.. but i felt disappointed.. not because of what, not because i'm not invited, is more of how u all looked at me.. i can be unreasonable but not the that extend, am I..? i know what to do for the best for everyone, do i still seem that childish and not grown up..? i don't know what i'm angry or disappointed about now.. is not a big deal right, how do i need to make a fuss out of it right... i'm tired le.. i shall be understanding, grown-up enough to make everyone life great and not so torturing or unpleasant..

- I'm shutting off from this world, LEAVE ME ALONE -

2011-09-19T00:38:00.002+08:00

alright.. how weird can it be to see photos of people that you know.. but without you inside.. well.. i guess.. this is what i should be facing.. bye and good night people.. 原來，我真的是應該活在自己的世界里⋯⋯

DO NOT DISTURB...!!!!

2011-09-19T00:17:00.000+08:00

i had most of what i have craved for.. just in one day, i have dark chocolate fondue, waffles with chocolate ice-cream, Mrs Field Brownies (as tmr breakfast) and KOI (Milk Tea + Ai-yu).. today is such a fruitful day (*^_^*)

活在自己的世界里

2011-09-17T23:55:00.001+08:00

我想我可以，我也能獨自一個人過生活。
一個人會比較好嗎？
一個人會比較好吧⋯⋯
活在自己的世界里，把所有人都鎖在外面。
不讓，也不再讓人闖入⋯⋯

2011-09-17T01:20:00.002+08:00

i'm tired..

physically tired till somehow i don't feel the tiredness even though i have been working 16, 12, 16 hours of work with only 4 hrs of sleep.. somehow i know i'm tired but it wasn't register into my mind..

mentally tired.. from all the loads that are on me.. work is the main part of it..

emotionally tired.. don't know is there even this term but somehow i think i'm like that.. i can be so emotionless till sometime it also makes me wonder, who am i..

cab to office with weiling today at 6.20. reach office at about 7+.. drink a cup of coffee and started work.. have late lunch at 12.20pm.. have porridge, coleslaw and tofu with minced meat. i didn't finish my porridge, somehow don't feel that hungry.. didn't have dinner coz even till 8+pm.. i still don't feel hungry.. only drank water.. till now, i don't feel hungry.. is my body overwork till i can't tell or feel anything.? only have that little food for the day but don't feel hungry even though my day is so long.. took cab back from office at 11.55pm.. still don't feel hungry.. i guess.. i have successfully reduced my appetite =) which to me of course is a good thing like that i can eat less, spend less, weight less..
if tmr i can fast for a day.. i think i can have 1 meal a day le =)

2011-09-12T21:57:00.003+08:00

現在的我，很開心也很快樂⋯⋯ 雖然可能沒有很充實，但覺得很自在，沒有壓力，沒有煩惱。

隨心所欲⋯⋯⋯⋯ 想出門就出門，想睡覺就睡覺。想自私就自私，想為別人著想，才為別人著想。想不理會，就不理會。想管才管，不用去在意，擔心那麼多。現在的我，是為我自己活，不需要去在意別人的看法和說法。沒有牽掛⋯⋯ 想做壞人，就做壞人⋯⋯ 不用擔心牽扯到別人⋯⋯

我是我自己⋯⋯ 為自己，自私自利的人⋯⋯ 不去在乎，開心就好！！！

2011-09-11T02:49:00.000+08:00

findings for today: Don't Regret. You must be happy at the end of it =)

2011-09-09T01:04:00.002+08:00

我已經放手了⋯⋯ 很抱歉，我沒有選擇了你。不是因為 2 年 7 個月的感情不值得，而是，我的心已經轉移了。
對不起⋯⋯ 沒有奢望你會不生氣，會原諒我，我是自私的。我選擇了感覺而不是習慣，想離開那個安全區，去尋找我要的。

有一天，你會找到一個比我好千千萬萬倍的女生。你會忘記我的，也許沒那麼快，或許也可以很快。
還是要謝謝你這些年來的照顧，在我需要人陪的時候，都在.

2011-09-08T01:11:00.000+08:00

看到你，想到你，我就不知道如何放手⋯⋯

2011-09-04T19:53:00.000+08:00

so not in the mood of doing any work.. sigh~~

SAFRA Singapore Bay Run & Army Marathon 2011

2011-09-04T18:19:00.003+08:00

went for SAFRA Singapore Bay Run & Army Marathon 2011. as usual, is father's company event and we joined the 5KM Fun Run.. what i could say is that it becames a little bit of run plus alot of walk coz there are too many people. Walk for 1 hour (5KM) from Esplanade to Padang. Pass thru MBS, to Sheares Bridge then to Marina Square then Funan IT area then Padang (Finishin point).. what makes my day today is one of my father's colleague ask me what i'm doing? Studying at Secondary School or Polytechnic..? then i stared at him for awhile and laughed until my mother say I'm working already.. this is so funny.. think the uncle eye-sight got problem =x then he ask my youngest sister where she is studying now? JC? i cant stop laughing coz she is only Sec 2 =x told my sister she can become my elder sister liao =x haha..

The thought of the 2K made my heart ache.. 感觉心隐隐作痛.. But I guess this is incomparable to yours.. But I can't help but feel the pain too, not only because money but other things else too....... somehow it feels great chatting with you on MSN.. no pressure and can talk about anything under the sky.. sometime i did ask myself, will i fall for you again..? hmm.. is up for time to tell me the answer..

you told me that you are afraid that i will get hurt and be bully by others but u can't help but wanna let me go for the risk as u cant stop me.. i'm very selfish right? i think so too.. you also say something that i kept in my mind..
Be observant during dating. don't put in so much when you don't know the person well cause you are afraid in the end of the day, i will be hurt and hurt badly.. i can only promise you, i know i might be hurt but maybe i need to learn it the hard way. i won't let you see i'm hurt, i will recover before u see me =)
you also say.. maybe, maybe only.. my faith is shaken cause i have choices to choose from that why i couldn't settle down.. i'm sorry for that.. i really appreciate you being so understanding and accepting me for who i am.. i know you love me that's why you let me go n explore and hoping that one day i will return unhurt and back to you fully and only to u.. is really very sweet of you.. really..

i know you love me with no limit and he like me only.. i know you are willing to give me everything and anything that you could, but he couldn't do that yet.. is very foolish of me right.. but.. i guess i'm just that silly.. i won't say i don't love you anymore but i do like him.. how can 1 person fall for 2..? i'm very not devoted right.. haiz.. maybe in the end of the day, i will lose both, which i know might be the case, but now. i choose nobody.. life is good for now.. not going dating with anyone and i tell you i will let you know if i'm officially going dating with anyone coz u say u wanna be mentally prepared if saw me with someone else on street.. though u will be sad but u wanna know.. thanks miiee miiee.. i also told you, let me know if u are going dating too..

2011-09-04T00:11:00.005+08:00

我有點想你⋯⋯ i let go of a super nice and caring guy who will go all out for me and give me unlimited support and love and also accepting me for what I am.

i know i will never be able to find someone like you anymore. you are the best guy i have ever met, but I let go of your hands. i know i will miss you, miss those days we have and miss your hugs and kisses. Australia has most of those sweet and happy memories we have.

2 years 7 months, a period which i won't say is too long but it isn't a short period of time too.

if everything can start all over, how things will be like now..?

Quote of the day given to me: Life is short, don't live in regrets. Even if you know it will hurt, don't look back, look forward, is too late.

Question: can one really don't live in regrets?

2011-09-03T16:48:00.002+08:00

la la la la la la.. la la la la la ~~~ i smurf you.. i'm so smurfy addicted =pPp

2011-09-01T00:25:00.001+08:00

time for recovery... new month new start.. hope work will get better.. jiayou..

2011-08-31T21:55:00.001+08:00

it hurts.. but is for our better.. i can't seem to control the tear.. but this time, is for happiness tear.. thank you for being part of my past 2.5 years of life.. those times are really very sweet memories.. nobody can take those away.. thank you for being so supportive even till now and wanting me to find my target in life and opening up to people.. i will miss you, really will...

i need to stop crying.. i need to.. i need to become the strong and independent yenwei.. but why it seems so difficult to stop..

2011-08-30T23:39:00.005+08:00

went to orchard shopping/dinner with jingquan, alicia and meiping.. we met at orchard at 3pm (as usual i'm always late).. we started walking and shop ard.. guess we are all old le.. can't shop as long as when young and also dunno where to head to.. got a necklace at ION and then we head to Cineleisure for dinner.. have xin wang hongkong cafe and i guess we overkill again (YES, again and always..!!) we were so full and we start to walk at Somerset 313 before we settle for Cold Stone Creamery.. we order 2 small one to share among we 4 as we are still quite full but meiping and me craving for ice-cream =x heez.. got myself 2 spaghetti tops from Forever 21.. is only $5 each so 2 is only $10, which is like so DAMN cheap k.. didnt get anything much as i don't wana overspend this month..

things have been there for about 5-6 days le. is it time to settle and decide? don't care if it a decision that i will regret in the future or is a foolish decision or is a selfish decision or is a decision that is good.. should I..? i only know i shouldnt drag things for too long.. what i want for myself and for my life.. life without u for these few days seem abit weird but things are still alright.. i did lose my appetite which i dont know is it due to stress.. but i still eat normal and alot on certain days to balance.. friends and some colleagues are good to meet me and just to spend time with me.. i didn't think much.. i don't know do this mean i can live normally..? i'm also unsure.. i also don't how have u been, r things going well for u..? i guesss i'm really selfish ba.. i can really don't msg u for these few days since i have people to accompany me, if not is i work till late kind.. i think i kind of getting use to the life now like no commitment and stuff.. is this what i want? i also dont know.. sigh~~ i know i'm being unfair to you..

2011-08-28T16:34:00.003+08:00

feeling very depressed now.. what should i do and what could i do..

who can save me.. or can somebody just kill me..

something is missing from my life.. is that you..? or i'm still searching for that "you"..

i just hate myself..

2011-08-28T15:23:00.000+08:00

this is tougher than i thought i could withhold.. relax n dun rush.. but why is it that i cant slp well.. waking up once in a while.. i dun wish to b like last time, to get muscle relax medicine from doctor...

maybe i should take 1 big step out if thus whole picture.. to get out from relationship.. i'm not mature to handle them.. mayb i dont suit to be in any..

sigh.. i hate myself for being so unclear of what i want in my life.. this question is with me ever since secondary school.. but till now.. a decade, but i have yet to find the answer.. why...? i'm not grown up yet? sigh~